JAKE'S FAILED HOUSE GOES DOWN! NEW COWBOY CLUB GO'S WAY DOWN!

BLUES-2-DON’TS
Vol + OR – 3db
THE BLUES BLOG
FOR THE SCHIZO AFFECTIVE
DELUSIONAL BLUES-A-HOLIC





EVEN COWBOYS GET THE BLUES
EMERGENCY ACTION BLUES ALERT
TO ALL BLUES JAMMERS
THE GIG IS UP!
FEMA (FEDERAL WAY EMERGENCY MUSIC AGENCY)
RAIDS JAKES FAILED HOUSE OF THE BLUES JAMMERS
LOOKING FOR THE RANDY LOAFER BAND

Ring)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Fax: machine answer.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Forwarded Message FROM BIA (blues intelligence agency)


From: Undie-clothed Sources
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 00:02:42 -0800
To: Chase Man-Hating
MANAGEMENT Tacoma, WA
Subject: FW: Re: End of an Era

JAKE'S FAILED HOUSE GOES
DOWN ALONG WITH BAND'S
MEMPHIS BLUES DREAM


A Scoop of Hot Poop

From the Trusty Brown Trout.

SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR INSIDE STOOL PIDGEON:

From: TRUSTY BROWN TROUT
To: BLUES-2-DON’TS
Subject: Re: End of an Era (and a IRA)
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:26:06 -0800

Hmmmmm

I wonder if Randy has given any thought to moving
the Blues Jam to TheSXXXS in Tacoma?
I am sure Bob HXXX would welcome him with open arms
A. P .W. RxxING Mxx SxxxxxS
Tacoma, WA OU812
Phone & Fax: Pgr: 1 ADAM 12
On Sun, 29 Jan 2006 12:44:26 -0800 (PST) M. Bt
writes:
Shit no FU......... W*Y;====== Ditto THAT NO MONEY NO GIG! :-(
M. B.
--- P K wrote:
I was so sorry to hear that The Randy LOAFER Band
Did not advance to the finals. Hope those of you who went
to Memphis had a great time anyway AND ENJOYED ALL THE PERKS
I'm afraid I have some bad news, but thought you'd
want to know. JAKES FAILED HOUSE has been sold.
THE NEW OWNERS WANT TO CASH IN ON THE
WHOLE BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN CRAZE.
I Think it will be called THE BARE-BACK BAR & GRILL
The new owner wants to bring in Pool tables and Dart boards
A MECHANICAL BULL,A DISCO BALL, HIRE A BUNCH COWBOYS
TO TABLE DANCE AND Wash Dishes
There will be NO LIVE music LOTS OF GET DOWN WITH
DJ COWTOWN ACTION
Except possibly for a YODELING COWBOY ACT
During Happy hour.
They will be transitioning to the new ownership over the next 6 weeks.
All music has been cancelled. The performance last night by the Band
Loose Call Girls was their final night of music. I am
Assuming the jam is cancelled, too, although I have not
Talked with Randy.

Guess we always knew the party would end one day.
We've spent many LATE LATE hours in there with live music.
For Ms. X and me, it goes back over 10 years. We have
made so many great CONNECTIONS there over the beers. I
hope we can continue to see each other at other lame
Venues. Perhaps we can find another Band to do our
Dirty deeds or Just change The Loaf’s name
HMMMM....i wonder if RANDY ?
KNOWS RHINESTONE COWBOY
Pxxxx

This memo is CONFIDENTIAL

TO: Ms. WETMORE

(EVERETT OFFICE)

FOR IMMEDIATE ACTION!

01-31-0 CODE NAME MR. ED

SEE THE BREAST OF BOTH WORLDS: Award Winning Blues Singer & Enchantress Candye Kane @ Tractor Tavern 2/5/06 8pm + Watch The Super Bowl Free 2:30 PM

BLUES-2-DON'TS VOL XXVIII
THE BLOG FOR THE BLUES-A-HOLIC
THAT HAS AN ORAL - ANAL FIXATION





























HAVING A BLUES MID WIFE CRISIS
DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR GO BLIND
IT’S THIS OR IT’S THAT? CAN’T GO TO DETROIT
WELL THAT’S TOO BAD SPORTS JOCK
(BLUES AFFECTIVE DISORDER)
YOU CAN GO TO BALLARD HELL YEAH !
SEAHAWKS FANS SEE FREE BIG SCREEN TV 2:30
THEN GO-GO GIRLFRIEND TO THE TRACTOR 8 PM


THIS SUNDAY FEBRUARY 5TH 8pm
WORLD FAMOUS AWARD WINNING
BLUES SINGER AND ECHANTRESS
Ruf Records Recording Artist

MS. CANDYE KANE
WILL BE SWINGING AND ROCKING THE BLUES

RUBY DEE
AND THE SNAKEHANDLERS
(OPENING)
8pm ~ $13adv/$15dos
THE TRACTOR TAVERN
5213 NW Ballard Ave Seattle WA, 98107
206 789-3599 or online tickets or info at:
http://www.tractortavern.com/

Get my newest CD, White Trash Girl
Available from Ruf Records
http://www.candyekane.com/


Sun, Feb 5 - SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
At The Tractor! Watch the Game
Come out to beautiful downtown Ballard
And watch The SeaHawks kick ass!
All you can eat BBQ while it lasts!
Doors at 2:30pm ~ free

Additional NW dates coming up for Candye
2/2 Vancouver, BC TheYale
2/4 Vancouver, WA Cascade Tavern
2/5 Seattle, WA Tractor Tavern

Excerpts from CANDYE KANE’S
Web Site Biography

Hi. I'm Candye Kane. I was born in Ventura, California on November 13th. I am a Scorpio. I was raised in Highland Park, which is in North East Los Angeles. I went to Franklin High School where I became friends with many Mexican Americans and first learned to sing and speak in Spanish. My parents still live in the same house I was raised in. I had my first child when I was 17 years old, and for economic reasons, became a stripper, topless model and plus size porn star. Through it all, I used my money to subsidize my musical ambitions and hired top notch musicians to play with me. I learned to exploit the sex business to my own advantage, and continue to exploit them, just as they exploited me!
My first musical experiences were as a child, organizing plays and musicals in my neighborhood. My first band was with my cousins, Shawn and Shay. We were called "The Gemini 3". My money making band was called "Rawhide" with Damon and Lissa Kaye. We played with many punk rock bands at the now defunct "Cathay De Grande" in Hollywood. It was a great time to be in music. You could see Black Flag, Los Lobos, Dwight Yoakum, The Circle Jerks, The Screamin Sirens, The Blasters and Rawhide on one stage in one night. My next band was with Jumpin' Jerry Sikorski and American Patrol. In those days I was the receptionist at the L.A. Weekly in between stripping tours. Later I formed a country band in L.A. called "The Armadillo Stampede" with Will Ray on guitar. We got a lot of great attention in the early L.A. country scene and landed a developmental deal with CBS/Epic. Eventually, I tired of country music and the hypocritical Nashville country game. I started singing blues when I was introduced to singers like Etta James and Ruth Brown. I realized that Blues would forgive me for my controversial past, and I sure wouldn't have to lose weight to be taken seriously as a blues singer.
Since her first Antones' release, she has recorded 7 cds for labels that include Discovery, Rounder/Bullseye, Sire records and Germany based RUF records. Kane's latest release,
White Trash Girl (RUF1084/USA) is an autobiographical walk through her colorful life. Her seventh CD was recorded entirely in Austin, Texas. Produced by WC Handy Award nominee Mark "Kaz" Kazanoff, the CD features performances by Austinites; Gary Primich, Former Fabulous T-Bird Preston Hubbard and piano legend Riley Osborn. The songs are gutsy and humorous, tender and provocative. Early reviews are fabulous. The May 2005 issue of Mojo Magazine says: "Kane is a superior belter of raunchy blues. She is candid, saucy and great fun."
Today, I am a devoted single mom and a touring musician. I tour about 250 days a year. In between touring and recording, and raising my son, I lend my voice to my fellow sex workers. I believe everyone should have a chance to realize their goals and live their dreams. I was told by many that it couldn't be done. I persevered and refused to give up, in spite of all the naysayers who discouraged me. I had many obstacles, being a large sized, teenage welfare mom, outspoken bisexual porn star raised in a dysfunctional household in the ghetto. But I know that if I can be successful as a singer, anyone can achieve great things.
I hope to inspire others to live their dreams and love and accept themselves in the process, even though it seems like a daunting prospect in today’s world. If I could have people say one thing about me when I am gone, it would be: She had a big heart and she made a difference!!



THEN AFTER THE SHOW !
GO HOME PUT ON CANDYE'S NEW CD
DRAW A WARM RELAXING BATH
ORDER THE BUNNYS BEST FRIEND!
The Rabbit Habit rated 4 thumbs up your ?
http://WWW.BABELAND.COM

AND SING CANDYE'S SONG "MASTERBATION BLUES"

STAYED TUNED FOR MORE, MORE , MORE
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT !
IF YOU WANT SOME ACTION SATISFACTION
FROM BUNNY THE BLUES FLUFFER

Rhona Baretta Blues Privates Investigator: " The Case of the Missing Guitar Player " on Blues Mystery Theater

BLUES-2-DON'TS
THE BLUES BLOG FOR
THE BIPOLAR TYPE II
BLUES-A-HOLIC
01-27-06


TheAurora Village People's Blues Court:
Evidence CD COVERS (photo above)
David Brewer X-hibit A+
Dean Reichert X-hibit C -


THE AURORA VILLAGE PEOPLE'S BLUES COURT:
THE CASE OF THE SHOT OF CHEVAS REGAL,
MOTEL KEYS, HAND GUN VS. THE SHOT OF NOVACAINE,
SHE CAN’T FIND HER KEYS, AND HE
DOESN’T HAVE A GUN?

Complainant: MR. DAVID BREWER
Of BOB’S BIG BOY BLUES BAIL BONDS
LOANS, GUNS, FLOWERS, SMOKE SHOP,
WORLD RENOWED BLUES ARTIST,
BOXER, COW PUNCHER,
AND BALLET DANCER.

Against

OFFEND ant : DEAN REICHART
Tacoma’s Kenny G String OF THE BLUES
PHOTO COPY TECHNICIAN
BLUES JAMMER


Hey BLUES-2-DON’TS
If you want something to rant about on your blog (which
I dig the most...) look up
A dude from Tacoma named DEAN REICHERT
He has a CD titled
Mistey's Place. The cover is a total rip off my Bad
Habits CD cover, can’t these
F...ING! rookies think up there own shit, there are a
Few things missing on his
Cover, the chick has no motel room key in her
hand, (NITES INN) there ain’t no
Whiskey on the bar, and he ain't got no gun! He has
called me crying about THAT he didn’t realize that our
Covers where exactly, or almost exactly the same but
I call bullshit...I would like to….his... out!
The nerve racking son of a bitch, the
Gob of spit, the scum sucking pig!
I plan to change The cover of my cd, he can
Have that idea even if it ain’t his, I give it to him, I
Just hope he don't mistake
Kindness for weakness, cause as you know I do not play
That s…., m………..r!.
Anyhow have a nice day!
And oblige...Brewer................

DEAR MR BREWER,
DON’T GET YOUR CHAINSAW ALL CHOKED UP YET
It will cost you at least twenty dollars to drive to Tacoma
I WILL DISPATCH THIS POST TO THE
HONORABLE JUDGE MENTAL
OF THE AURORA VILLAGE PEOPLE’S COURT
IN ADDITION, THIS MATTER WILL BE DEALT WITH!
AND SOME ONE WILL BE TAKING OUT SOME INSURANCE
FROM MUTUAL OF ENUMCLAW.
RHONA BAR-ETT-A- JAMES BPI
BLUES PRIVATES INVESTIGATOR


Next Day at Court
We the court find the Offend ant has some Bad Habits
That led to the similarities between the cover that are most egregious.
We recommend that he enroll in BLUES BOOT CAMP and
that he gets A Kinko’s Copy Machine Restraining Odor.
Bailiff break his G-string !

THE MYSTERY CONTINUES NEXT WEEK
ON AURORA VILLAGE PEOPLE'S BLUES COURT
YOU BE THE JUDGE!

Dudley Blues Right's Blues Wild Life Safari

Blues-2-Don’ts
Volume XXVII
Seattle’s Blues Blog for
The Insecure Paranoid
Blues Megalomaniac
01-24-06

In Association with
The Blues Scouts of America
& Mutual of Enumclaw
Blues Wild Life Kingdom
Blues-2-Don’ts Presents:

Dudley Blues Right’s

"Blues Wild Life Safari"

Do You Dream about being Kool!
Want to Live a Real Wild Blues Life Style
Hang Out, Bring Home and have a Wild Blues Artist
Sleep on your Sofa and Drain your Liquor Cabinet Dry.
Or do you want to Capture the Image Of A Real Wild
Blues Artist and Bring it Back to Walla Walla, Washington
To Impress your Friends.

Well you can do all this and more if you sign up right now for:

DUDLEY BLUES RIGHT'S BLUES WILD LIFE SAFARI

Seattle is famous for its variety of Blues. Wherever you travel and
regardless of what activity you pursue, great Local Blues
can be seen & heard in a variety places.
However, for the extreme-blues enthusiast,
Blues Wild Life Safaris are available.
Each group is accompanied by a
Local Blues Expert Ethno-Horny-Musicologist.
These Safaris cover several different nightclubs, bars,
restaurants and institutions each with their own unique
variety of indigenous blues. A special effort is made to
locate and capture some of the most unusual blues bands
and personalities in each location. In general, the Pacific
Northwest late spring through summer months are best
for hunting down and capturing Your Very Own Real Live
Blues Image/Band/Personality in the Puget Sound Region.

Dudley Blues Right, recognized as one of the worlds
leading Blues Wild Life Trackers , has been helping
bring Real Blues Wild Life into the Avid Obsessive Compulsive
Blues Fan’s living room as a pubic service for years.
Dudley Blues Right’s interest in Stalking & Hunting Blues Artists
down began long before his adventures on Blues Wild Kingdom.
His previous Wild Blues Adventures landed him a six-year stint in
Seven-ElevenWorth Federal Blues Penitentiary for trying to
capture Albert King Kong on federally protected land owned by
HENRY WEINHART’S BLUES WILD LIFE PRIVATE RESERVE.

Accompanying and guiding you on your Blues Wild Life Safari
will be the Washington Blues Society President
“Miss Sweet Polly Pure Blues Bred”. To help introduce
you to the various exciting local blues musicians, blues studs,
blues divas, blues characters and nightclub owners.
In addition Tips on Blues gossip and Dating. Go Go Girl Friend!

In addition, one of the NW regions leading
Blues Photographers and Blues Lifestyles Experts
Mr. Chester Nutworthy will help PHIL YOU IN on these
Basic Blues Hunting Skills Listed Below:
1. How to build a Blues Blind on location in a Night Club so people,
bartenders, bands and security will not see you shooting and
or recording the Blues Artist.
2. How get one over on the Door / Box Office personnel
so you will not ever have to pay a cover again by saying
“I’m with the Press and I’m helping to keep The Blues Alive”
3. Techniques for getting back stage, past security and on stage.
So thousands of folks can see you right up close & personnel with the
Blues Artists. You too can become famous in the Blues Community
and all you have to do is buy a camera and smile.
4. How to win boogus awards, market your Photo’s and Recordings
in foreign countries with no legal liabilities.
5. Basic Blues Grooming Skills: Buying the right hat, jacket and shoes.
Where to get a good blues haircut, how order the right drinks, not tip
and still have the Bartender Like you.

So Sign up Now: Only $666.66
Dudley Blues Right’s Blues Wild Life Safari.
Sign up today and Recieve A Free Blues Safari Pith Helmet
autographed by Randy Loafer, Nick Vigarino and Kathy Heart
Normally a $ 69 .00 value yours to keep free of charge.
In addition all Safari Participants will recieve free tranportation
in Dudley's 2006 Midnight Blue Cadillac SUV with
Holden ZERRO the Masked Harmonica Playing Limousine
Driver and his father Sgt. BARCIA opening doors and handing out
Hot towels.
Cameras, Film, Outfits, rubber gloves, masks, condoms
and dark room rentals are not included in the package
price but are availble at additional cost with
Blues Society Membership Discount!
See MISS SWEET POLLY PURE BLUES BRED for more info


Pay with you MUDDY WATERS EDITION BLUESMASTER CARD
Send CC# and your Girlfriend’s/Boyfriends/wife/husband vital stats
& Photo with phone# /fe-mail Address and a schedule of when
you are not home.
To: Bluesloser@hotmail.com
See You Later Sucker and Keep Suffering with Blues

I Want The Dirt From Deep Beneath The Finger Nails Of Howl N' Wolfe!

TheWASHINGTON Blues Society POST
National Edition Sat 1-21-06

EMERGEN-C# maj 7TH
Blues-Deaf-Con Alert I-IV-V
Tune in to your local blues station
For minute by minute updates


WHO IS ?

DEEP BLUES THROAT!
Do you know who that is?
Is it you? Are you Linda Blue Lace?
Or is it Halderman, Maguerder, Erlichman, Rolfe, Dudley, Horn,
Chesnut, BrownTrout, Dean, maybe it is my son?
Could it be NV or maybe even Randy Loafer Himself!
Anyway, whoever you are WE LOVE YOU!

Yes folks you too can become a Blues-2-Don’ts
Undie-clothed Never-Uncovered News Source
All participants are Brooke Shielded
By the Wetness Protection Program
I need the dirt from deep beneath
the finger nails of Howl'N’Wolfe
Dig deeper for more Blues-Formation!
You can trust me. I am not a crook
(Maybe a kook)

This Blues-formation surfacing from
Underneath the Land Of Sky Blue Water
Just came in from:
Brown Trout Strikes Again?
(Or is it Hamms The Beer Refreshing)

Subject: [Blues-2-Don'ts (Keep Suffering with the Blues!)]
1/20/2006 09:52:55 AM
Date: , Sat 21, Jan 2006 09:52:58 -PST

http://www.blues.org/ibc/index.php4

This link above is a clue to the on going
Blues Soap Opera unfolding before our Eyes
Many Thanks to Brown Trout!
A real deep Blues Fan no doubt.

Here is a recap of the latest information
From DEEP BLUES THROAT
With Howl’n’Wolfe Blitzer for BNN
(Blues News Network)
Hello folks,
I am back in Seattle from Memphis
where the on going saga of:
The Randy Loafer Band with The SSBA
and their attempt to influence a hostile take
over and a leveraged buy out of the upcoming
2006 WBS Blues Awards.
I am currently going down on pier 69 at the
Seattle waterfront at an undisclosed phone booth
next to McDonald's where early this evening
we intercepted and recorded a message to Blues-2-Don’ts
from their undie-clothed and never under-covered news source.

From: Deep Blues Throat
Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2006 5:57 PM
To: Blues-2-Donts
Subject: The Randy Loafer Band/SSBA
Blues Junket/Jury Tampering
I.U.D.B.A VS. The WBS
The State of Washington / Dept. of Connection$
Blues Benefit Slush Fund Accounting Principles

Recorded Transcription:
PHONE RINGS**************

BLUES-2-DONTS:
"Hello Blue-2-Don'ts Ms. Wetmor here")))))))))))))))))

Deep Blues Throat:
"You're good. There is more to this story. As we all know, it was Loafer's fan club that started the SSBA because they needed a way to send him to Memphis after he lost for the SECOND time at the Cab’s Memphis competition. Wonder how the IBC feels about that? No competition to find the best band, just call yourself a blues society, elect a couple of people and send that band, man. Do they know this org [SSBA] does not have bylaws registered with the state of WA? Are they even a legit blues society, as required by the IBC rules? Again, where DID all that benefit money he raised go? Figure at least 3 benefits, 10 bucks a head, and he got a fair turn out each time. I'm pretty sure he put out a written online thank you after the Jazzbones panhandle, thanking everyone for their support and claiming that they made their goal of funds needed to go there and back. Maybe he is going to get one of those $200 Clinton haircuts before the Really Big Shew.....Wait a minute I am sensing something wrong here. I will call
you back! I've got to ru..."(Click).....................

Wait another call:
RING)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
BLUES – 2 – DONTS:
Hello who is this?

Deep Blues Throat:
"Slim Spincter wants to know who I am....ahhh yes.... kinda like the big John-Allen Briscoe mystery. You know, the "guy" who wrote fab rave reviews of Leanne Grimes and her Junkie in the Yard CDs, but really didn't want his name attached to the review, so's he wouldn't get run outta town with the band. Slim should be concentrating on hot stuff like who the body double is on Nicky's new CD cover."
I think the NSA guys are at the door.... gotta change disguises...Click

The Daily Drama continues on Desperate Blues Wives
See Previous Postings For Even More Shocking News!
Stay tuned for more disinformation

This Blues-2- Don’ts Pubic Service Announment
Has been a John Halderman & Slim Erlichman Production

NAME THAT BLUES PUSSY CONTEST

BLUES - 2 - DON’TS
VOLUME XXVI
SEATTLE’S SEMI DYSFUNCTIONAL BLUES BLOG FOR
THE ANTI-SOCIAL PSYCHO-TELEPATHIC BLUES-A-HOLIC
1-17-06

WELCOME TO THE BLUES-2-DON'TS
1ST ANNUAL "NAME THAT BLUES PUSSY" CONTEST
DEPICTED IN THE PHOTO ABOVE IS THE MOST DANGEROUS!
FASHIONABLE FEMME FELINE FATALE BLUES SINGER
WEST OF MONROE, SOUTH OF MARYSVILLE
NORTH OF WHITE CENTER AND EAST OF
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND. AND ALL OF
THE WESTERN LEEWARD LESSER ANTILLIES ISLAND CHAIN
SAID MYSTERY PERSON WORKS FOR THE BLUES-2-DON’TS
AS MY OFFICIAL RESEARCH ASSISTANT
DOING EXHAUSTIVE UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATIONS
OF OUR UNNAMED UNDERCLOTHED NEWS SOURCES
INCLUDING MYSELF “THE BASS WITH OUT A FACE”
UNDER THE ASSUMED NAME of Ms. WETMORE
OTHER WISE OFFICIALLY KNOWN TO THOSE WHO KNOW HER AS
“THE CROWN ROYALE QUEEN SUPREME MADAME WETMORE”
MEDIUM TO BIG SIZED CITY (and occasionally a small town village) BLUES CHANTEUSE

CONTEST RULES
ALL LUCKY AND ADVENTUREOUS CONTESTANTS PLAYING
THE “NAME THAT BLUES PUSSY” CONTEST
GET TO POST A BLOG: TO PUT A HUMAN NAME,
MUSIC PERFORMER, CITY OFFICIAL, MOVIE ACTRESS,
BLUES SOCIETY MEMBER / OFFICER DISC JOCKEY / TV STAR
CLUB OWNER, WIFE, GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND, LOVER ETC
TO THAT SURROGATE MYSTERY PUSSY PHOTO ABOVE.

THE CORRECT WINNING ANSWER WILL BE REVILIFIED
IN A FUTURE POSTING AND THE CONTESTANT’S POSTINGS
WILL BE TABULATED, HOMOGENIZED, MECHANICALLY
SEPERATED, EXTRACTED, FERMENTED AND EVALUATED
SCORNED, LAUGHED AT, VILIFIED, HARESSED, DIVORCED
SUED, EXILED, IMPRISONED AND OR EXONERATED
BY THE BLUES ACCOUNTING FIRM & CAMERA SHOP
OF DUDLEY, CHESNUT, ROLFE, HONEYWELL & HORN

THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFUL
HARLEM NOCTURNAL E-MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
MORRIS LESS THE BLUES CAT

BLUES-BACK MOUNTAIN TEMPTATION ROAD

BLUES-2-DON’TS
VOLUME + OR – 3 db
The Blues Blog for the
Lonely Sexually Frustrated
BLUES-A-HOLIC

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
DIFFERENT TO LISTEN TO
WHILE WEARING
YOUR HOT SWEATY BLACK
LEATHER CHAPS
GET THE HOT NEW
NICK VIGARINO CD
TEMPTATION ROAD!

CUMMING SOON! to your Hood
BLUES- BACK MOUNTAIN
Blues Dude Ranch Retreat
& Harmonica Work Shop
Located in PackWood, Montana
“Where Men are Harmonica Players
And the GOATS Are Nervous”

LEARN THE ANCIENT ROMAN-GRECO
TECHNIQUE OF BLOWING A HARMONICA…?

WORKSHOP SHOP FACILATED BY:
THE MYSTERIOUS STAGE JUMPING AND
MASKED HARMONICA MASTER HIMSELF
THE GREAT HOLDEN “ZERRO”
AKA HOLD'N' Z BLUESMAN
AND HIS BAR HOPPING FATHER "SGT. BARCIA"
AKA “THE HOT TOWEL ASSISTANT”

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER
HARMONIC RESONANT SELF
BREATH RELAX
FIRST YOU SUCK
THEN YOU BLOW
THEN YOU……………
RECEIVE THE MARK OF ZERRO!
ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ!!!!!
FREE MOUTH WASH PROVIDED

OR YOU CAN GET Nick Vigarino's
New CD: TEMPTATION ROAD
“***** thumbs up yours"
ERNIE & BERT
“THIS CD DOESN’T SUCK WIND
BUTT, IT DID BLOW ME AWAY"
ROBERT Z. PACKENWOOD
The Aurora Village People's Press
"HOLD ON TO YOUR DOODLE SACK,
DEALY BOB,BUMBO, COOYONS
AND YOUR LACE CURTAINS!
BADONKADONK! NICK'S NEW CD
IS A REAL BLUES BUZZ BOMB!
A NO HOLDS BARED DOLLY MOPPER!!"
MS. FUSTY LUGS
THE DAILY ABSPRITZEN
NEW AMSTERDAM, NEW YORK




Thank You and Good Night!
DR. “BLU-LITTLE” BILL D.V.M.

Very Little Bill / Chickens Have The Blues 2

Little Bobby Solo and
The Tastes Like ChickenAires
"Live at the Club Sandwich"
Blues 2 Don'ts
Volume III
The P.M.S. Blog
Performance Music Schedule
For Hormonally Deficient Blues-a-holics

Greetings Music Livers! I am back on-line after a short
Hiatus with B.A.D. (Blues Affective Disorder)
ROCK-A-BILLY GRAHAM CRACKER

Up & Coming Blues Stars
Be on the Lookout for the
World's Smallest & Youngest
Blues Harmonica player
COMING SOON TO SEATTLE:
"VERY LITTLE BILL & THE HARMONICA CRY BABIES"

Very Little Bill an 18 month old
Harmonica virtuouso is
just coming out of Treatment
after an exhausting trouble
plagued tour of Sweden.
and a rough go at trying to
kick the bottle.
"Very Little Bill is the World's
Greatest and Most Dependable
Harmonica Player on the Scene"
Paul Green 2005 Award Winning
Washington Blues Society
“Best Harmonica Player”

SEEDY REVIEW ****1/2 Peeps
By Leonard Chicken Feather.
Lil' Bobby Solo and
The Tastes Like Chicken-Aires
"Live at the Club Sandwich"

Recorded live in Tyson, Arkansas
At: Admiral Hymen Rickover’s Nuclear Fried Chicken Shack

If Chicken is your thing, then The Chicken-Aires will probably
be the most cotton picking, finger licking, feather plucking,
Chicken pluckier item on your Southern Fried XXX-MAS
List this year.
Featuring Lil' Bobby Solo belting out
Greasy Blues tunes about Chicken.
My Favorites are:
"Fried Rice & Chicken, Hot & Greasy Like My GAL"
"Bartender! Give me a Chicken Soda with a Pork Back!"
"Baby you’re so Sweet and Your Mama is so Sour, That
I'm going to order some Chinese Food Tonight!”
In addition, a great cover of Elvis Presley's “Love me Chicken Tender.”

Available on Kentucky Fried Records
At fine Record Stores and Butcher shops nationwide

Order now and receive a two for one coupon:
From The Admiral!
For Some Nuclear Fried Chicken
With X-tra CrispToxic Sludge Fries
And an X-tra Large Heavy Coke
Sweetened with Cesium Chloride 257
When the Admiral says:
“We are Going to Super Size You”
You Had Better Believe It!

BLUES BIO-ENGINEERING PROMO PHOBIA

THE BLUES-2-DON'TS
BLOG FOR BLUES-A-HOLICS
01-12-06
BLUES-FREE-ASSOCIATION INC

THE NATIONAL STEEL BODY
INQUIRER SPECIAL EXPOSE’
THE FRIGHTENING TRUTH ABOUT
BLUES BIOENGINEERING

DATELINE: D-TUNING CHINA
B.B. CHUNKING RESEARCH LABORATORY
& CHINESE RESTAURANT
MAD SCIENTIST CLONES
COLD BLOODED AMPHIBIAN
WITH GUITAR PLAYER'S DNA.

DR FRECKLE & MR. HIDE-AWAY RECENTLY OBTAINED
THE DNA OF THE LEGIONARY "DR. RICHARD KIMBALL CONANT"
FROM THE GREASY SWEAT OF AN OLD SET OF GUITAR STRINGS,
THE GOOD DOCTOR HAD LEFT AT A RECENT GOODWILL TOUR
CONCERT OF NORTH KOREA. THE DNA WAS SMUGGLED
OUT OF KOREA TO CHINA VIA CARRIER PIGEON
TO DR. FRECKLE’S SECRET RESEACH LABORTORY
LOCATED UNDERNEATH A CHINESE FAST FOOD
RESTAURANT/BAR/DRY CLEANERS/DATING SERVICE
IN THE REMOTE VILLAGE OF D-TUNING CHINA.

WHERE UPON THE EVIL DR. FRECKLE PROCEDED
TO ISOLATE AND MAP THE GENE FOR BLUES "BNA".
(BLUES NUCLEAR ACID) HE EXTRACTED THE DNA
FROM A 100 YEAR OLD PAIR OF ALLIGATOR
BOOTS AND SPLICED IT WITH DR. CONANT'S BNA.
THE RESULT WAS FRIGHTENING & HORRIFIC!
AN EXACT CLONE OF DR. CONANT EXCEPT
THAT WAS IS EXTREMELY AGGRESSIVE, QUICK
AND WHEN AGITATED HE DEVOURS ANY ONE
WHO IS IN HIS PATH.
AFTER MONTHS OF HARD WORK TRYING TO
RETRAIN DR. CONANT TO SING ELVIS SONGS IN FLUENT
MANDARAIN CHINESE. THIS WAS SO HE COULD PLAY
IN KIM ll SUNG’S “THE PRESIDENT OF NORTH KOREA”
ELVIS TRIBUTE BAND “THE SATAN’S OF YESTERYEAR”
WHO WERE SCHEDULED TO PLAY ON AMERICAN IDOL.
THE DR. CONANT CLONE KEPT TRYING TO KILL AND
DEVOUR PRESIDENT SUNG'S BAND MEMBERS DURING
REHEARSAL.
WROUGHT WITH THE FAILURE OF HIS EXPERIMENT
AND THE END OF HIS CAREER AS A BOOKING AGENT
FOR KOREAN BANDS; DR FRECKLE SMUGGLED
DR CONANT OUT OF CHINA VIA SUBMARINE TO
ORANGEVALE, CALIFORNIA. UPON ARRIVING
IN CALIFORNIA, THE EVIL DOCTOR HAD HIS
BLUES CLONE QUARANTINED AT THE FOLSOM PRISON
SPECIAL MEDICAL DETENTION FACILITY.

LATE BREAKING NEWS! FROM BNN
BLUES NEWS NETWORK

DR RICHARD KIMBALL CONANT HAS ESCAPED FROM
FOLSOM PRISON AND WAS LAST SEEN IN PIONEER
SQUARE DISTRICT OF SEATTLE, WASHINGTON
DEVOURING THE TORSO OF A BOOKING AGENT.
CAUTION HE IS ARM & HAMMERED.

THIS WARNING WAS JUST POSTED BY
INTERPOL TO EVERY CLUB, BLUES
SOCIETY AND BOOKING AGENCY

WANTED

IN THE WESTERN UNITED STATES
AND CANADA
SPECIES: "GUITARSAURUS"
A.K.A. DR. KIMBALL CONANT
RESEMBLES A GUITAR PLAYER
BUT IS ACTUALLY A TINY COLD
BLOODEDKILLER DINOSAUR.
DEVOURS CLUB OWNERS,
BANDMATES, HARMONICA PLAYERS,
AND ANY ONE WHO REQUESTS
THE MARSHALL TUCKER BAND.
HIS SKIN MAKES NICE SHOES,
PURSES AND SLICK TIES.
CAN BE APPROACHED WITH
A PEPSI COLA ON THE ROCKS.
HOWEVER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

ADDITIONAL BLUES RELATED
PROMO-PHOBIA AT:
http://www.stickshiftannie.com/
TO FIND OUT WHERE STICKSHIFT ANNIE
“THE LOVECHILD OF CLINT EASTWOOD &
SANDRA LOCHART” AND KIMBALL CONANT
“THE DR KILLDARE OF THE BLUES” ARE PLAYING!

Submitted by Twice Dropped Cow From
Bejing, China for BNN

Blues Boot Camp Paris Hilton Head Island

Blues-2-Donts
VOLUME VIII
THE SEMI-E-REVERENT BLUES E-RAG
FOR THE DISCRIMINATING
AND ANNOYING BLUES-A-HOLIC

BLUES BOOT CAMP 2006
SPECIAL TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED
BLUES OPSEC DE-BREIFING
COMING TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD SOON

Featuring:
THE BLUES DRILL - INSTRUCTOR
SERGEANT MAJOR 7-TH MARK WHITMAN
AKA “THE BLUES BAZOOKA”

SIGN UP NOW AND SERVE YOUR BARTENDER
No Wait, go to Hell and Serve Your-self!

LEARN FROM A SEASONED PROFESSIONAL BLUES MASTER!
These use-full & underhanded techniques are included in this course.

1. HOW TO FIELD STRIP A GUITAR
2. HOW TO FIELD STRIP A WAITRESS
3. HOW TO SETUP YOUR EQUIPMENT
BEFORE YOU HIT THE BAR!

4. HOW TO DISARM AND NEUTRALIZE STRAY
HARMONICA PLAYERS, LAME GUITAR PLAYERS,
LAZY BASS PLAYERS AND DIFFICULT DRUMMERS.

5. PROPER ETIQUETTE & PROTOCOL FOR ADDRESSING
AND FLEECING CLUB OWNERS, BOOKING AGENTS
AND GETTING RID OF DRUMMER’S GIRLFRIEND AFTER
HE DUMPS HER OFF AT BAND PRACTICE.

PLUS AN ADDED SPECIALBONUS FREE COURSE
WELL THIS MAYBE THE LAST TIME I DON’T KNOW
THAT THIS COURSE WILLBE OFFERED TODAY!

TEN USEFULL TIPS:
FOR DEALING WITH THE DEVIL,
MUSICIANS WIVES: “SORRY MISS, BUT IT IS NOT
MY FAULT THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS A CRACK HEAD
AND NO MADAME I DON’T KNOW WHY HE DIDN’T COME
HOME LAST NIGHT OR WHERE HE WENT!”
IN ADDITION HOW TO MANAGE YOUR FANBASE AND MORE!

Blues Boot Camp Summer 2006
is located on the scenic and beautiful
Paris Hilton Head Island S.C.

To sign up:
Send $100 Dollars cash to
PRIVATES 1ST CLASS WILLY FRECKLETON
plus a case of beer to( NO COD:
Blues Boot Camp Summer 2006
PO Box OU812 Concrete,Wa.

NOW GET DOWN GIMME 50
CHECK OUT THIS WEB SITE
NOW RECRUIT !!!

http://www.markwhitman.com/:

Mention this ad and the 1st 25 people
get a shot at the drummer's girlfriend!

FRECKLETUNE@MSN.COM

@july2005

A VERY GRIM BLUE FAIRY TALE

The Adventure of The
Big Bad Howl'n Wolf
& the 3 Little Club Owners








Blues-2-Don'ts
Volume XV
Seattle's Only Blues E-Rag For
The Ever Vigilant &
Paranoid Blues-A-Holic


AS TOLD BY "THE BLUES SOCIETY'S CHILD"
The Great Danish Blues Story Teller and Flautist
Ms. NOT SO CHRISTIAN JANIS IAN ANDERSON

Once upon a time, there were Three Little Piggies
SCARY LARRY, CHA CHA CHARLIE, & GREASY LIL' JUAN,
Who were nightclub owners in THE OLDE HISTORIC
"PIE-IS-ALWAYS-NEAR SQUARE" in the
INFAMOUS BLACKLIGHT DISTRICT of BLUES-VILLE.

LIL' JUAN was talking to Larry & Charlie:
“AY CA RUMBA! I’m Tired of that Saxophone Player
BIG BAD HOWL"N WOLF. He is always showing up at our CLUBS,
playing with all the Bands, raising havoc and we never make any MONEY!
It's just a bad case of uno, dos, 1,2,3, quatro WOOLY BULLY!"

CHA CHA CHARLIE puts his two cents worth in:
“He ah aah always ba ba brings in ah ah a big ka ka crowd
tha that da da doesn't tip, smoke,da da drink ann an and
da da don't da da dance."

SNORTELING & CHORTELING SCARY LARRY SPEAKS:
"Yeah dat lo-life NIGHT LIFE musician always says
the same damn thing up on stage “I’LL HUFF & I'LL
PUFF AND I'LL BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN!"
Well he's GOING DOWN, down, down, down, down to the
Ground! So here is da scoop boys and pay attention!
I'VE got some friends that will put a cork in DA WOLF &
HIS PACK of SHE-WOLVES! The Last THING he will ever play is
GOOD BYE PORK PIE HAT! All I have to do is
phone dem Guys when he shows up at
THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE ON 12TH AVE.NIGHT CLUB.
Then we can turn da BLUES & JAZZ CLUBS INTO
REGGAE, TRIP-HOP & SALSA Clubs, Then we can make
a real KILLING FLOOR off dem punk kids
maxing out their credits cards and milking their BAD HABITS.

LATER, ON THAT COLD & WINDY, FOG SHROUDED NIGHT:
THE FULL BLUE MOON CAST its GHOSTLY SILVER HUE
LIKE A FOLSOM PRISON FLOOD-LIGHT, HIGH-LIGHTING
THE MARQUEE OF SCARY LARRY'S NIGHT CLUB:
A huge line of blues fans was forming at the DOOR of the CLUB.
"SOLO" the THREE FISTED DOORMAN was checking ID'S, COLLECTING COVER,
IN ADDITION, CLOCKING any one who complained about the cover.
INSIDE THE CLUB UP IN THE LOFT: THE THREE LITTLE CLUB OWNERS (WITH
LARRY NERVOUSLY CLUCHING HIS CELL PHONE) WERE SCANING THE SECURITY
CAMERAS WAITING FOR THE WOLF TO MAKE HIS ENTRANCE!
DOWNSTAIRS: BETH WOLF & HER WOLFTONES WERE PLAYING A FUNKY
VERISON OF BACON FAT, WHEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE BIG BAD WOLF
MADE HIS APPERANCE INSIDE ON THE CLUB'S DANCE-FLOOR.
ALL DRESSED UP TO GET MESSED UP,WEARING A SHEEP-SKIN ZOOT SUIT,
HOLDING A BARITONE SAX WITH ONE HAND AND HIS OTHER ARM WRAPPED
AROUND HIS SATIN DOLL: "THE DEVIL WITH A BLUE DRESS ON"
DA WOLF JUMPED ONTO THE STAGE!
OLDE WOLF BROKE OUT HIS BARITONE SAX AND SAID:
"I"LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF AND I'LL BLOW DIS HOUSE DOWN!
WITH MY VERSION OF HONKY TONK"
UPSTAIRS: LARRY QUICKLY DIALED HIS EVIL FRIENDS
AND SAID, "DA WOLF IS DA HOUSE" WITH AN EVIL GLEAM IN HIS
STEELY COLD EYES AS HE WATCHED THE ACTION DELVELOP DOWN
BELOW.

BY THE TIME, THE WOLF GOT TO HIS FIRST SOLO:
A LONG BLACK CADDILAC PULLED UP TO THE
CLUB. THREE SHADOWY LITTLE FIGURES EMERGED FROM THE
CADDY WITH VIOLIN CASES IN HAND PUSHING THE DOORMAN "SOLO" ASIDE.
THEY RUSHED INTO CLUB! ONCE INSIDE QUICKER THAN THE HUMAN EYE
COULD SEE. ON THE DANCE FLOORTHEY PULLED OPEN THEIR CASES AND
WHIPPED OUT THEIR TOMMY GUNS. WITH OUT A SINGLE WARNING
THEY STARTED SHOOTING DOWN THE BIG BAD HOWL'N WOLF!
LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD THE POOR OLD WOLF GASPED FOR HIS FINAL BREATHE.
THE EVIL LITTLE HIT MEN LEFT THE CLUB AND DISAPEARED INTO THE FOG WHILE SINGING:
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,BOOM, GOING SHOOT YOU RIGHT DOWN!

MEANWHILE UPSTAIRS IN THE LOFT,THE THREE LITTLE PIGS;
SCARY LARRY, GREASY LITTLE JUAN & CHA CHARLIE WERE ESTATIC!
CHARLIE ASKS LARRY “WHOO WHO WA WA WERE THOSE GA GA GA GUYS?”
WITH A HEART OF STONE LARRY SNORTED AS HE HELD UP A
SHOT OF TEQUILLA, "THOSE GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS FROM ITALY,
THE GUINEA PIGS AND THE DARK END OF THE STREET."
WHILE THE MOON CAST ITS GHOSTLY LIGHT YOU COULD HEAR A FAR OFF
HOWLING AND WHAT SOULDED LIKE A SAXOPHONE PLAYING "THE LAST DATE"
YES the reign of Evil continued in Blues-ville for the next Millennium.
But the story does continue next time.........

@AUGUST2005 BLUES-2-DONTS

DR. FRECKLE AND MISTER HIDE-AWAY

BLUES-A-HOLICS ANONYMOUS B.A.

FREE BASS PLAYER BILLY GOING TO MEETING WITH DR.BLOG














BLUES-2-DON'TS
VOLUME XIV
@MID AUGUST 2005

THE ONLY SEMI-IRRELEVANT BLUES E-RAG
IN SEATTLE THAT ALWAYS COMES OUT ON TIME!
WRITTEN FOR THE STILL SUFFERING BLUES-A-HOLIC
& THE BASS PLAYER THAT KEEPS HITTING BOTTOM

THE BLUES JAMMERS SERENITY PRAYER:

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO LEARN THE CHANGES
I CAN NOT PLAY AND THE COURAGE TO PLAY THE CHANGES I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHEN NOT TO SIT IN

THE TWELVE STEPS OF B.A.

1. WE ADMITTED THAT WE WERE POWERLESS OVER THE BLUES AND OUR LIVES BECAME UNMANAGEABLE.
2. WE CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A SHUFFLE IN "E" GREATER THAN NATIONAL BLUES ACTS COULD RESTORE US FROM REDUNDANCY.
3 WE MADE A DESCISION TO TURN OUR WILL & OUR LIVES TO CARE OF THE BLUES SOCIETY.
4. WE MADE A BEER-LESS AND PAINFUL SEARCH OF ALL OUR LOCAL BLUES COMPACTS DISC'S
5. WE WERE ADMITTED TO A BLUES SOCIETY SPONSORED FUNCTION WITHOUT EVER PAYING
THE COVER.
6. WE WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE ANOTHER HARMONICA BLOW OFF FOR THE
NEXT TWENTY YEARS.
7. HUMBLY ASKED OUR PRESIDENT WHICH CLUBS WE SHOULD GO TO AND NOT SMOKE OR SPEND ANY MONEY AT THES VENUES.
8. MADE A LISTOF ALL BLUES BANDS IN TOWN AND PROMOTED THE ONES WHO SMOOZED US THE MOST.
9. MADE DIRECT DEPOSITS TO OUR BANK ACOUNTS WHEN EVER A BAND WANTED US TO VOTE FOR THEM
10. COUNTINUED TO WRITE LAME EDITORIALS ABOUT HOW GOOD SOME JOE BLOW BAND IS DOING
AND WHEN WE WERE WRONG PROMPTLY DENIED IT.
11. SUFFERED THROUGH SLOW BLUES BALLADS IN "G" AND ENDLESS BORING HARMONICA SOLO'S IN EFFORT
TO GAIN SOCIAL STATUS.
12. HAVING HAD A RUDE AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF POOR NEW MEMBERSHIP SIGN UPS, ALIENATION FROM THE NEW GENERATION OF MUSIC FANS AND MUSCIANS WITH OPEN MINDS; ARE CURRENT ARCHAIC MEMBERSHIP ROLLS WILL DIE OUT QUICKLY FROM BLUESHEIMER'S DISEASE & PTBSD (POST TRAUMATIC BLUES STRESS DISORDER).

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND
KEEP SUFFERRING WITH THE BLUES

FATS OFF THE WALLER
O.E.C. Blues-2-don’ts blues blog
(over extended credit )