The Best of Blues-2-Don'ts 2005

The Blues Fairy Princess Knows all Tells all

Best of Blues -2- Don’ts 2005
These are edited high-lights of my favorites:

BLUES-2-DON'TS
VOL. IV
SPECIAL EMERGENCY ACTION BLUES ALERT
BROUGHT TO YOU BY:
THE BROTHERHOOD FOR THE PRESERVATION
OF THE HOLY TRIAD (I-IV-V)
TODAY'S PRESENTATION
"THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF THE DISENFRANCHIZED HARMONICA PLAYER"

THE H.E.A. (HARMONICA ENFORCEMENT AGENCY) HAS BEEN KEEPING THEIR EARS
TUNED (OUCH!!) INTO A SPLINTER TERRORIST CELL OF THE BLUES JIHAD FROM
OURDRUMMERSBAD, PAKISTAN. THESE TERRORISTS ARE PEOPLE WHO PLAY
NEUTERED HARMONICS, STRIPPED OF ALL THE CONFUSING EXTRA NOTES; WHO SIT
IN A CIRCLE AND START BLOWING IN A FRENZIED ORGY OF BLUES SONGS.

IT IS A HARMONICA SHADOW CONSPIRACY; THESE HARMONICA PLAYERS HAVE
INFILTRATED THE LEADERSHIP POSITIONS IN ALL OF AMERICA'S MOST ESSENTIAL BASES
OF POWER; THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, THE UNITED NATIONS, THE A.C.L.U., THE TEAMSTER UNION,
THE WASHINGTON BLUES SOCIETY, MICROSOFT, AND EVEN THE DOLLAR STORE!
THEY FREQUENT MANY OF OUR FINE MUSIC CLUBS AND EVEN OUR CITY PARKS WHERE OUR CHILDREN PLAY.
THE EDITOR OF BLUES-2-DON’TS AND THE MUSIC DIRECTOR OF THE WASHINGTON BLUES SOCIETY
WAS REPORTED TO HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED LAST WEEK AND FORCED TO WRITE BOUGUS SUICIDAL E-MAILS TO
ALL OF HIS PROFESSIONAL CONTACTS & FRIENDS OR BE DUCK-TAPED A TO CHAIR AND FORCED TO LISTEN TO THEM PLAY.
THESE TERRORISTS MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE THEY BLOW US ALL AWAY!
WE MUST PREVENT THE CORRUPTION OF FUTURE GENERATIONS! ;
WHO MAY NEVER KNOW THE PLEASURES OF BLOWING A PROPER MAJOR OR MINOR MUSICAL TRIAD.


SUBMITED BY: DR. JOHN DOREME P.H.D. (DIRECTOR H.E.A.)

From late Aug 2005
My Auntie Blues Society Drama Play:

BLUES-2-DON'TS
VOL. XV
THE BLUES E-RAG
FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE

BLUES CONFIDENTIAL:
AN INSIDER'S LOOK
AT THE SHOCKING TRUTH BEHIND
BLUES TAG TEAM MIDGET MUD WRESTLING!

DATELINE: SEATTLE, WASHINGTON
LOITERS NEWS WIRED SERVICE
REPORTING FOR B.P.I. (BLUES PRESS INTERNATIONAL)
NEW HAMSTERDAM, HOLLAND
KENNY “G-STRING " JOHNSON



BEHIND THE BLUE DOOR IN A SMALL DAMP, DIRTY AND DIMLY LIT
BASEMENT ROOM AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION ALONG THE
RAT INFESTED WATERFRONT SOMEWHERE NEAR THE PORT OF SEATTLE;
ALBERT “KING” CAPONE AND HIS BAND OF THUGS "THE BLUES TOMATOES"
ARE PLANNING THEIR REVENGE FOR NOT BE BOOKED AT THE BLUES SOCIETY'S MONTHLY MEMBERSHIP MEETINGS.
CAPONE:
“DA BLUES SOCIETY HAS BEEN TRYING TO SHUT US DOWN FOR YEARS
CAUSE WE DO NOT PLAY NO SHUFFLES IN DA KEY OF E ALL OF OUR TUNES
ARE IN DA KEY OF Ab, Db, B, AND C# minor! DAT WAY NO
GREASED-BACK ZOOT-BALL FRUITCAKE WACKO HARMONICA PLAYER CAN
MOVE IN ON OUR ACTION.

GUIDO "THE BLUES HAMMER " JONES:
“YEAH BOSS! WE GOTTA DROP A DIME ON THAT MUSIC DIRECTOR
"THE BLUES BOSS HOG" DUDLEY BLUES-RIGHT AND ALL HIS STOOGES IN THE BLUES POLICE BEFORE THE NEXT BLUES AWARDS. THAT A WAY WE CAN TAKE OVER! "

ROCKY " NO FINGERS " NOONAN:
" WELL I KNOW TWO TWIN BRUDERS FROM DA EAST-SIDE
WHO PLAY KILLER HARMONICA AND ARE PROFESSIONAL TAG TEAM MIDGET
MUD WRESTLERS. THEY GO BY THE NAME " HARMONICA HOLOCAUST "
AND THEY CAN DO THE JOB FOR TIPS & BEER ! "

CAPONE:
" GOOD THINKING ROCKY ! LETS DO DA JOB TONIGHT AT DA SALMON -ELLA
FITZGERALD EAGLES. WELL KEEP A LOW PROFILE AND ENJOY DA CIRCUS ! "

LATER THAT EVENING :
CHIP & DALE THE TAG TEAM HARMONICA TWINS SIGN IN AT THE EAGLES TO SNEAK UP ON STAGE AND BE SUPRISE GUEST JAMMERS WITH THE BLUES SOCIETY'S # 1 FAVORITE BAND "KATHY HEART & THE BLUES SQUEALERS "

BLUES BOSS HOG A.K.A. DUDLEY BLUES-RIGHT AND HIS BLUES POLICE ARE LINED UP THE BAR WAITING TO HEAR SOME REAL BLUES ! ACROSS THE ROOM SITTING AT THE BACK TABLE UNNOTICED, SIPPING TALL COOL ONES ARE THE “BLUES TOMATOES “WAITING TO GET EVEN!
THE BLUES SQUEALERS KICK OFF THE MUSIC WITH A SHUFFLE IN THE KEY OF E.
BLUES DANCERS & PRANCERS JUMP UP TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND FROLIC IN FRENZIED ORGY OF BLUES UNDULATIONS! THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE HARMONICA TWINS RUSH THROUG THE MAZE OF BLUES DANCERS; RIGHT BETWEEN THEIR LEGS,; TOO FAST FOR THE HUMAN EYE TO NOTICE; THEY JUMP UP ON STAGE . BREAKING OUT THEIR TWIN CHROMATIC MISSISSIPPI SAXOPHONES THEY TEAR INTO A FAST BREAK-NECK 2-STEP
VERSION OF “ROLLIN’ IN MY SWEET BABY'S ARMS ". LIKE THE PIED PIPER; THE EVIL
MIDGETS GET EVERYONE DANCING A JIG! FASTER AND FASTER ON EVERY VERSE THE WHIRLING DERVISH OF THE HARMONICA HOLOCAUST BEGINS TO TAKE IT'S TOLL.
BLUES BOSS HOG EXCLAIMS! “OH MY GOD IT'S A KATHY HEART ATTACK! "
NEVERTHELESS, IT IS TOO LATE ONE BY ONE THE BLUES POLICE & THEIR FLOCK OF SHEEP FALL DOWN FROM EXHAUSTION! PULLING OUT THEIR EARPLUGS; CAPONE, GUIDO, AND NO FINGERS SLIP OUT OF THE EAGLES UNDETECTED!



THIS TALE IS TRUE BLUE
BUT NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
TO PROTECT THE IGNORANT
MICKY SPLEEN EDITOR
FRECKLETUNE@ MSN.COM BLUES-2-DON'TS @AUGUST 29TH 2005
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


This one Got the Most e-mail and attention
I got about 40 responses most of them positive
This one is from late September

The BIA "BLUES INTELLIGENGE AGENCY"
BLUES-2-DON'TS
VOL. XVII
SEATTLE'S ONLY BLUES E-RAG
FOR THE BULIMIC & ANOREXIC BLUES-A-HOLIC
The PRE-OCTOBER Issue
Read Tomorrow’s Blue News Today!

JUST IN LATE BREAKING NEW S A SPECIAL REPORT:
FROM BNN ( BLUES-NEWS-NETWORK )
" THE W.C. RANDY AWARDS ?"
HAS THE RANDY LOAFER BAND GONE TOO FAR?

Date-line: Oxford, Mississippi & Walla Walla, Washington
Walla Walla,Washington: Home of the Most Awarded &
June Cleavered Blues Band in Washington State:
" THE RANDY LOAFER BAND "
Rumor has it( A Little Blues-Birdie told me ) That because
Randy's Band wasn’t nominated for every Award the
Washington Blues Society had to offer; his Ego was
So BLUZIED that he formed his own Blues Society.

THE “ W.W.D.B.S."
(Walla, Walla of Denial Blues Society)

Further, on down the Road; this reporter found
Shocking evidence that Mr. Loafer's new Blues Society
Membership rolls were composed exclusively of his current Band,
All their relatives, his relatives and his former High School
Music Teacher plus his pet Blood Hound Leroy!


Just this week; a press release from
I.U.D.B.A.
"The International-Universal-Diversified Blues Association"
OXFORD, Mississippi’s most distinguished & prestigious
Blues Association (as seen in USA TODAY);
Says it will be holding their 50th annual
"Birth of The Blues Awards Ceremony"
A.K.A "That's The Blues Baby Award! “
The IUDBA press release notes that "THE RANDY LOAFER BAND"
Will be Washington State's Official Representative competing for
THE MOTHER of all BLUES AWARDS
“The Bronze Blues Diaper”
BBN'S Investigative Staff has been interviewing
Unnamed sources from The Washington State Dept.
Of Connection$. They confirmed allegations that
"The Deputy Director of Officially Sanctioned
Blues Events”; has been receiving large
Amounts of CASH $$$$ & an autographed copy
Of Randy Loafer's new CD
“LOOK OVER YOUNDERS WALL-A-WALLA"
from various Blues Fund-raisers under the guise of
"TAKE THE LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSDALE" .

In exchange for sanctioning THE W.W.D.B.S.;
As the SOLE BLUES SOCIETY representing
Washington State. In addition, he has destroyed
confidential papers that are Critical to the continued
Operation of the W.B.S. (Washington Blues Society)!

NEXT WEEK:

HAVE THE RULES OF THE GENEVA BLUES CONVENTION BEEN BROKEN ?
WITH DR. JOHN DOE-REME of the B.I.A

BLUES-E-MISSIONARY POSITION IMPOSSIBLE?

This is Howl'n Wolfe Blitzer in The South Sound of Seattle Reporting For BNN